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PHP Version 5.4.45


System Linux VM_143_218_centos 3.10.0-514.26.2.el7.x86_64 #1 SMP Tue Jul 4 15:04:05 UTC 2017 x86_64
Build Date Jun 5 2017 17:13:39
Configure Command './configure' '--prefix=/www/server/php/54' '--with-config-file-path=/www/server/php/54/etc' '--enable-fpm' '--with-fpm-user=www' '--with-fpm-group=www' '--with-mysql=mysqlnd' '--with-mysqli=mysqlnd' '--with-pdo-mysql=mysqlnd' '--with-iconv-dir' '--with-freetype-dir=/usr/local/freetype' '--with-jpeg-dir' '--with-png-dir' '--with-zlib' '--with-libxml-dir=/usr' '--enable-xml' '--disable-rpath' '--enable-bcmath' '--enable-shmop' '--enable-sysvsem' '--enable-inline-optimization' '--with-curl=/usr/local/curl' '--enable-mbregex' '--enable-mbstring' '--with-mcrypt' '--enable-ftp' '--with-gd' '--enable-gd-native-ttf' '--with-openssl=/usr/local/openssl' '--with-mhash' '--enable-pcntl' '--enable-sockets' '--with-xmlrpc' '--enable-zip' '--enable-soap' '--with-gettext' '--disable-fileinfo' '--enable-intl'
Server API FPM/FastCGI
Virtual Directory Support disabled
Configuration File (php.ini) Path /www/server/php/54/etc
Loaded Configuration File /www/server/php/54/etc/php.ini
Scan this dir for additional .ini files (none)
Additional .ini files parsed (none)
PHP API 20100412
PHP Extension 20100525
Zend Extension 220100525
Zend Extension Build API220100525,NTS
PHP Extension Build API20100525,NTS
Debug Build no
Thread Safety disabled
Zend Signal Handling disabled
Zend Memory Manager enabled
Zend Multibyte Support provided by mbstring
IPv6 Support enabled
DTrace Support disabled
Registered PHP Streamshttps, ftps, compress.zlib, php, file, glob, data, http, ftp, phar, zip
Registered Stream Socket Transportstcp, udp, unix, udg, ssl, sslv3, tls
Registered Stream Filterszlib.*, convert.iconv.*, mcrypt.*, mdecrypt.*, string.rot13, string.toupper, string.tolower, string.strip_tags, convert.*, consumed, dechunk

Zend logo This program makes use of the Zend Scripting Language Engine:
Zend Engine v2.4.0, Copyright (c) 1998-2014 Zend Technologies
    with Zend Guard Loader v3.3, Copyright (c) 1998-2013, by Zend Technologies

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 高考 | 贱萌萌_节操笑话|萌图,内涵图,内涵段子,搞笑图片,笑话

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  • wendellmcconnel am11:28 on 2019年2月16日
    标签: , 高考   

    爆囧,这爸妈让孩子有些吃不消呀 

    1、没回家之前爸爸妈妈都说想我了。。。回来之后发现,他们不过是想骂我了。。。

    2、我躺在车后座上,我爸妈直接下车把车锁了。
    我在车里敲车门、给他俩打电话,他俩不接还说:孩子在前面都打电话催了吗!快走快走!!
    我#$&*^%^&

    3、从前有个很笨的孩子,他的数学很差很差,有一次考试。
    父亲:孩子这次你竟然考了90分,0是不是你写上去的?
    孩子:不,爸爸!9才是我写上去的。。。
    父亲感叹的拍着儿子的肩膀:不错啊孩子,终于会写9了。

    4、高考考得不理想,于是干脆不上了,就没去填志愿报大学~~~
    没多久,好多普通大专寄录取通知书到我家里,我全扔垃圾桶里,傍晚我爸爸回家,看见了垃圾桶里的录取通知书,全捡起来了!我就大吼我不再上学了!!!
    我爸默默的说了句:“这纸你拿去可以卖钱!”
    我。。。

    5、回家晚了,被拿着棍子的老爸,狠狠揍了一顿!事后,老妈抱着我,问道:“疼吗?”
    我哭着说道:“疼。。。”
    老妈又问道:“恨你爸爸吗?”
    我说道:“不恨!”
    老妈感叹道:“哎,女儿就是跟爸亲,这么打你,你也不恨他。。。”
    我淡定的说道:“我为什么要恨他?要不是你刚才喊了句,给我打!老爸根本不会打我。。。”

    0
     
  • ashelymazzeo49 pm5:36 on 2019年2月15日
    标签: , 高考   

    吃货大拼盘,幽默的各色吃货 

    1、我:男人是喜欢瘦滴还是丰满滴啊?
    吃货闺蜜:你说滴是凤爪还是猪蹄?

    2、女朋友是个吃货,记得有一次给她按摩,她说按一下翅根那里。

    3、一想到高考,整个人都毛血旺(没有希望)了。

    4、草莓和圣女果最是友好,不用去皮不用吐核,个头也正好。希望西瓜向草莓学习!

    5、大鱼大肉的看起来很丰盛,但其实真正对我们身体有用的营养含量很低,所以,要多吃点才行。

    6、做个吃货不仅仅是会吃,还要有吃的有诗情画意、吃的有想象力:如果有这样一个牧场/草是抹茶味/太阳是柚子味/天晴时薄荷味/天阴时杏仁味/那么我希望/牧场中的牛羊/是椒盐味。
    喝香蕉牛奶时/联想到了/月亮在白莲花般的云朵里穿行。

    7、每天最难启齿的3个字:我饿了!
    最心酸的4个字:我又饿了!
    最无奈的5个字:怎么又饿了!
    最安慰的6个字,就是听到对方回应:其实我也饿了!

    8、早上上班,坐出租车听见交通广播里说今早在中华路有两车香瓜。
    我纳闷问司机:“交通广播咋还卖上水果了?”
    司机特无奈的跟我说:“是两车相刮!撞啦!”

    9、早上还没怎么睡醒的我迷迷糊糊的进了卫生间,完事后发现没纸了,向老婆求助。
    我:“老婆!餐巾纸没了,帮我拿点来。”
    老婆:“嗯,啊!?”

    10、春暖花开,公园里到处都是买小金鱼的,我说:买条鱼回家吧。
    吃货老婆说:我又不会做。
    我瞬间无语,我说的是买条鱼回家养,能不能就记得个吃。

    11、跟妹子纸聊天,问她有什么喜好,她说自己喜欢吃,是枚吃货。
    我当时就回了一句:吃货是指吃了不胖的人,你这样的,最多算是饭桶。
    友尽。

    12、女友是个吃货,那天她让我拿东西,我坐着打游戏没有理她,她破口大骂:你翅膀熟了是不是?

    13、吃是人生中很重要的一个部分,所以每天思考吃什么也是在思考人生啊。

    吃货语录,贪吃的无敌了

    0
     
  • danilo26u0554 pm3:19 on 2019年2月15日
    标签: , 高考   

    美国大选段子,笑死偶们这些吃瓜群众了 

    1、美国选情变化莫测,川普如果当选,中美关系将何去何从?
    尤其是对南海、朝鲜、台湾等地局势的影响,我国如何应对?有何对策?
    为了获取这些复杂问题的答案,我登上了一辆北京出租车。

    2、希拉里早上出门时对克林顿说,今晚回来就两个总统睡一张床了。
    晚上希拉里回来,克林顿问:是叫川普过来还是我过去。

    3、英国:今年没有什么比退欧更难堪的了。
    美国。。。
    英国退欧领导人法拉奇:还是美国人玩得大。

    4、记者纽约街头采访一个华裔移民:作为移民政策的受益者,你为什么投票给限制移民的川普?
    华裔:再不限制移民,纽约快成北京了,见个老外都难,我辛辛苦苦移民过来干嘛?

    5、今天,全球政要都不希望希拉里胜选,因为那样的话,以后接待各国第一夫人的任务就要交给比尔·克林顿这个老流氓了。。。

    6、据说克林顿同志在希拉里竞选总统演讲的时候睡着了。
    这事我非常理解,人是在两种情况下最容易睡着:一是开会做报告,二是老婆唠叨。
    克林顿正好全赶上了。。。

    7、美国人:川普种族歧视,瞧不起墨西哥,川普当选了我要移民邻居加拿大。
    墨国人:为什么不移民墨西哥?
    美国人:……
    墨国人:我们也是邻居,来么来么!
    美国人:……

    8、一位高三家长看完美国大选,很严肃地对孩子说:高三了,切不可早早掉以轻心。你看希姨竞选,一模二模三模都成绩斐然,最后一下砸手里了……
    另一位高三家长看完美国大选,很严肃地对孩子说:快高考了,不到最后不要失去信心。你看普叔竞选,一模二模三模都成绩不咋地,最后还是成功了……

    9、奥巴马很快就要失业,年龄已经55岁,上一份工作干了8年都没有升职,这种境况想找一份新工作确实不太容易。

    10、局座说了:不管谁将来上任当选,他们都将带领美国人民从巅峰走向低谷,这是无可改变的局势。—嗯,听到这个我就放心了!

    0
     
  • maryjo60e5 pm5:16 on 2019年2月13日
    标签: , 高考   

    我都讨厌…… 

    1丶

    喜欢星期一,因为有地理课  喜欢星期二,因为有历史课  喜欢星期三,因为有生物课  喜欢星期四,因为有品德课  喜欢星期五,因为有外教课  喜欢星期六,因为可以玩  讨厌星期天,因为又要上课了!

    2丶

    现在明白我最辉煌的时间应该是高考前,那时上知天文,下知地理,左拿蒸馏瓶,右握电阻器。  虽不说精通代数,但也略懂几何,偶遇老外也曾英语对骂。  梦回唐朝尚能吟诗作对,上溯中华万千风流,下推海外千百英雄。  音乐美术计算机门门精通,武术民俗手工艺样样不俗。  现在呢,除了打游戏刷微博。丫就是渣…

    3丶

    小华不想上学,爸爸问他:“你要给我一个理由!”  小华回答:学习的科目太没品味!  爸爸好奇:为啥呢?  小华回答:地理,全是些山山水水的事!  历史,全是些稀奇古怪的事!  政治,全是些是是非非的事!  语文,全是些油嘴滑舌的事!  生物,全是些男男女女的事!  物理,全是些棍棍棒棒的事!  化学,全是些坛坛罐罐的事!  数学,全是些斤斤计较的事!  英语,全是些叽叽哇哇的事!

    0
     
  • amelia90w8619638 pm4:17 on 2019年2月13日
    标签: , 高考   

    真是这样的话清华有望啊 

    1丶

    聊到高考的话题时,一朋友这样说:  如果…数学公式能像dota合成装备那样清楚,  历史人物能像dota英雄那样熟悉,  政治能像dota双方阵容那样分析的透彻,  地理能像dota地图那样了如指掌,  作文能像骂对面开挂那样词语精妙灵动,  写作业能像dota补刀那样一丝不苟,  作弊能像gank那样神出鬼没的话…  老子清华有望!

    2丶

    没几天就要考试了,于是小明在纸上默默地写:  孔子啊,保佑我的语文吧;  祖冲之啊,保佑我的数学吧;  牛顿啊,保佑我的物理吧;  阿伏伽德罗啊,保佑我的化学吧;  达尔文啊,保佑我的生物吧;  司马迁啊。保佑我的历史吧;  哥伦布啊,保佑我的地理吧!!!!!!

    3丶

    明天你是否会想起,默写的小石潭记。  明天你是否还惦记,抽背的元素周期。  老师们都已记不清,教几遍遗传基因。  我也是去配充电器,才想起欧姆定律。  谁挂过很多碳的有机,谁骂过三角定理。  谁跪在唯物辩证主义,谁抄过地理笔记。

    0
     
  • 最萌的贱人 am11:42 on 2019年2月12日
    标签: 高考   

    都找不到理由 

    1丶

    陪表弟去相亲,表弟做剪头发的。一见面就被女方否决了,理由是:看你一头花花绿绿,一般就两种人,一就是什么非主流,这种人就一脑残,我怎么会让我女儿跟这种人是呢!二就是剪头发的,这种人不光脑残还都是穷鬼。说的我谢反驳,都找不到理由

    2丶

    朋友高考考场有一非主流装扮MM,非常非常养眼,此MM坐下屁股漏出来至少三分之一,据说好白好白…正坐在朋友左前方,于是这哥就被祸害啦、一边写卷一边情不自禁地往人家屁屁沟里瞅。使劲瞅!  悲剧地被监考老师警告、然后一监考大叔去他身边顺着他的目光看,目光定格两秒后果断地走回讲台带上了眼镜,再然后回来站在此哥身后,重点监考此哥整场考试…哎监考老是太色了。。。。

    3丶

    去楼下买个方便面,看到一对头发有8种颜色的非主流情侣吵架。  吵完了女的要走,你说你走就走嘛。手还把那个男的拉着。  那个男的一把拉回那个女的,说了一句让我抽搐到现在的话。  “不是说好要一直当对方的天使么?”  我真的….天晓得我有多想把方便面给他们按到脸上去……上去!

    0
     
  • rudyqav0587 pm12:35 on 2019年2月9日
    标签: 高考   

    “悲情”高考人物 

    1丶

    每到高考来临之际,最悲惨的不是家长和考生,而是以下人物:

    1·司马迁,霍金。出身:语文。每次都是你们作为“坚强”的代名词出现在无数考生的笔下,接受一次次的宫刑,一次次的瘫痪,2013高考来了,你们准备好了吗?悲情指数:*****

    2,孟德尔。出身:生物。每次你家的豌豆出现变异,都忙坏了全国考生,每个人都忙着配对基因帮你分析,2013年,你家的豌豆种好了吗?今年又会是什么性状?悲情指数:****

    3,李华。出身:英语。几十年了,你经历过迷路问路,你经历过学习困惑要向外教老师寻求帮助,你经历过策划演讲稿···2013年,你又会有怎样不为人知的经历,让我们拭目以待。悲情指数:***

    2丶

    每年到高考的时间,我都会疼苦不己,

    当年几分之差错失清华,现在沦落到建筑工人,

    就差那么一点点,清华录取分数620分,我考了220分,

    当初要是多考400分,说不定现在也是工地包工头了,天天喝二窝头,吃鸡蛋面!<br/>

    3丶

    每年高考出分的时候,哭一批笑一批,惨淡一批灿烂一批;那些难过的人以为自己下了地狱,那批高兴的人也以为自己真的到了天堂;只有上过大学的才知道,再SB的大学一样可以努力,再NB的大学也充斥着堕落;谁也别哭闹,四年后的风骚,谁的天下,都别说得太早;阴差阳错也许比如愿以偿更让人成长。

    0
     
  • jeannapuig350 pm12:26 on 2019年2月9日
    标签: 高考   

    安徽高考 

    1丶

    安徽2013年高考录取分数线发布了哟!奶奶滴!文科一本540,二本498,三本458,专科150;理科一本490,二本429,三本387,专科150。.

    介充分说明了:1.文科生遇见不会滴题目可以天马行空凑字数,实在不行就坚信共产主义,分数人家给的呀!2.五门150就能上大学,一科考不了30分,你你你故意的吧!.

    2丶

    爸爸:“儿子,高考考得怎么样?”

    儿子:“志愿随便填!”

    爸爸:“真的!这么自信啊,有出息!”

    儿子:“反正哪个学校都不会录取我。”

    3丶

    爸爸:“孩子,马上就要高考了,你准备得怎么样了?”

    儿子:“我这不是正在准备着吗!”说完,就走进自己的房间……

    过了一会儿,爸爸也悄悄进入儿子的房间,想看看儿子究竟在准备哪几门功课……

    只见儿子的书桌上摆满了几十支笔,儿子正坐在桌前虔诚祷告:

    “老天爷啊!请你告诉我,我该用哪支笔考试才会有好成绩啊?!!”

    0
     
  • kindramoritz305 pm12:24 on 2019年2月9日
    标签: 高考   

    差别好大的高考志愿啊! 

    1丶

    当初,为了高考填志愿这事,我的父母产生了不小的分歧,

    我爸建议我去清华,我妈希望我去北大,

    后来打听了一下,两家大学的门卫都招满了,我只好在自家的小区当了保安。

    2丶

    第二场考试,无论如何我都要拿下,我坐在椅子上等老师发卷子,手里战斗的武器:“2B铅笔”似乎在为我加油,对了,数学考试我一共带了2B铅笔和圆珠笔以及润唇膏。

    而周围的人似乎带了好多东西,我就这样一扫周围,圆规、尺子等大规模杀伤性武器,这!?万万没想到!我几乎要呕出一口老血,失算!失算!

    老师说:“你们谁没带道具的?”

    我急忙说:“老师,我没带!”

    监考老师换人了,难道他是一个热心真诚贴心的好老师?

    老师微微一笑:“没带的话,真是可惜,明年高考记得带哦。”

    我拿起2B铅笔,狠狠的在桌子上刻了个早字,对邻桌说:“杀人犯法吗?”

    邻桌是一个瘦瘦的小男生,他吞了口口水:“犯…犯法…法”

    我:“切”

    卷子发了下来,我以闪电之速写了名字,轻蔑了看了一眼邻桌瘦弱的男生,又以暴雷之速写了学号,冲着瘦男生从喉咙里发出轻蔑的笑声,又以极光之速写了性别,然后捂着额头不停的摇头,表示对瘦男生的嘲讽,最后,对着一片空白的卷子发呆……

    瘦子男生嘴角扬起微笑,然后开始写答案。

    我并没有这么弱,我的信心仿佛在燃烧,对!我还会做选择题,可是,选择题致胜的咒语忘了!可恶!怎么会在这么关键的时候出现漏洞!这时,从角落里传来了很轻微,却仿佛是天使的声音…

    “两长一短选一短,两短一长选一长!”

    对!就是这个!果然,幸运女神在眷顾我!我阳光的笑了,然后从怀里掏出更能为我增加胜率的“幸运女神微笑骰子!”

    然后被监考老师没收了,老师微微一笑:“等明年高考的时候,说不定筛子允许使用了哦”

    我看了看老师那微笑的样子:“殴打老师犯法吗?”

    瘦子男生:“犯…法…法”

    我:“切”

    窸窸窣窣的声音就好像是催眠曲,我很快就进入了甜蜜的梦乡,“交卷了,把卷子盖上。”

    就这样,我在走出教室的时候,才发现,我忘了作弊!!!

    3丶

    电视台记者正在采访今年全省的高考状元……

    记者:“很多同学和家长都想知道,您惊人的学习动力究竟是从何而来的?”

    状元:“嗯……,这个……,我听说上大学可以吊儿郎当、可以不用上课,还可以交女朋友,所以我的动力就来了!!”

    0
     
  • 12345 pm12:21 on 2019年2月9日
    标签: 高考   

    都是高考题惹的祸 

    1丶

    某天在上班的途中,经过一家正在装修的铺面,店铺面前有梯子竖着放,我想起2012年安徽高考作文题《梯子不用时请横着放》。

    于是,自己毫不犹豫就把梯子叠好,横放在店铺边。拍拍手,神气地走开(感觉自己做了件好事)。

    走不了几步,后面传来一位大叔的骂声:“丫的,谁这么手贱,看不到本大爷在店铺上面施工吗?还拿走梯子,叫我怎么下去啊,他妈的。”

    我快步走开!!!

    2丶

    那天,我上街,一个记者拿着长枪短炮的对我冲了过来,跟我说道:“这位先生,你满足么?”

    我愣了下道:“你傻B啊?还玩民族歧视!我是汉族,不是满族!”

    记者接着问道:“其实,我是想问问你对高考的看法!”

    我沉思了下,说道:“高考嘛,就是一个很普通的考试而已,不就考的范围大了点,有种你语文考试用英文给我编题,有种你考数学的时候,让我们用几何和微积分来解释法国大革命,有种你特么在政治考试里面出校长带女孩开房的阅读理解!”

    记者愣了下,说道:“如果高考这么难,你参加还会过么?”

    我骂道:“说你傻B你还不服,我爸是李刚,我还用高考么?”

    3丶

    那天是一年一度的高考,上午考完后,小明说考的非常烂。
    同学问:“为何这次会考这么烂呢?”
    小明说:“坐我前面的个子太高了,左右的太远,我脖子扭伤无法看后面。”

    0
     

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