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PHP Version 5.4.45


System Linux VM_143_218_centos 3.10.0-514.26.2.el7.x86_64 #1 SMP Tue Jul 4 15:04:05 UTC 2017 x86_64
Build Date Jun 5 2017 17:13:39
Configure Command './configure' '--prefix=/www/server/php/54' '--with-config-file-path=/www/server/php/54/etc' '--enable-fpm' '--with-fpm-user=www' '--with-fpm-group=www' '--with-mysql=mysqlnd' '--with-mysqli=mysqlnd' '--with-pdo-mysql=mysqlnd' '--with-iconv-dir' '--with-freetype-dir=/usr/local/freetype' '--with-jpeg-dir' '--with-png-dir' '--with-zlib' '--with-libxml-dir=/usr' '--enable-xml' '--disable-rpath' '--enable-bcmath' '--enable-shmop' '--enable-sysvsem' '--enable-inline-optimization' '--with-curl=/usr/local/curl' '--enable-mbregex' '--enable-mbstring' '--with-mcrypt' '--enable-ftp' '--with-gd' '--enable-gd-native-ttf' '--with-openssl=/usr/local/openssl' '--with-mhash' '--enable-pcntl' '--enable-sockets' '--with-xmlrpc' '--enable-zip' '--enable-soap' '--with-gettext' '--disable-fileinfo' '--enable-intl'
Server API FPM/FastCGI
Virtual Directory Support disabled
Configuration File (php.ini) Path /www/server/php/54/etc
Loaded Configuration File /www/server/php/54/etc/php.ini
Scan this dir for additional .ini files (none)
Additional .ini files parsed (none)
PHP API 20100412
PHP Extension 20100525
Zend Extension 220100525
Zend Extension Build API220100525,NTS
PHP Extension Build API20100525,NTS
Debug Build no
Thread Safety disabled
Zend Signal Handling disabled
Zend Memory Manager enabled
Zend Multibyte Support provided by mbstring
IPv6 Support enabled
DTrace Support disabled
Registered PHP Streamshttps, ftps, compress.zlib, php, file, glob, data, http, ftp, phar, zip
Registered Stream Socket Transportstcp, udp, unix, udg, ssl, sslv3, tls
Registered Stream Filterszlib.*, convert.iconv.*, mcrypt.*, mdecrypt.*, string.rot13, string.toupper, string.tolower, string.strip_tags, convert.*, consumed, dechunk

Zend logo This program makes use of the Zend Scripting Language Engine:
Zend Engine v2.4.0, Copyright (c) 1998-2014 Zend Technologies
    with Zend Guard Loader v3.3, Copyright (c) 1998-2013, by Zend Technologies

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c4ca4238a0b923820dcc509a6f75849b phpinfo()
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PHP Version 5.4.45


System Linux VM_143_218_centos 3.10.0-514.26.2.el7.x86_64 #1 SMP Tue Jul 4 15:04:05 UTC 2017 x86_64
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Configure Command './configure' '--prefix=/www/server/php/54' '--with-config-file-path=/www/server/php/54/etc' '--enable-fpm' '--with-fpm-user=www' '--with-fpm-group=www' '--with-mysql=mysqlnd' '--with-mysqli=mysqlnd' '--with-pdo-mysql=mysqlnd' '--with-iconv-dir' '--with-freetype-dir=/usr/local/freetype' '--with-jpeg-dir' '--with-png-dir' '--with-zlib' '--with-libxml-dir=/usr' '--enable-xml' '--disable-rpath' '--enable-bcmath' '--enable-shmop' '--enable-sysvsem' '--enable-inline-optimization' '--with-curl=/usr/local/curl' '--enable-mbregex' '--enable-mbstring' '--with-mcrypt' '--enable-ftp' '--with-gd' '--enable-gd-native-ttf' '--with-openssl=/usr/local/openssl' '--with-mhash' '--enable-pcntl' '--enable-sockets' '--with-xmlrpc' '--enable-zip' '--enable-soap' '--with-gettext' '--disable-fileinfo' '--enable-intl'
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 男朋友 | 贱萌萌_节操笑话|萌图,内涵图,内涵段子,搞笑图片,笑话

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Tagged: 男朋友 RSS Toggle Comment Threads | 键盘快捷键

  • joannt170527565 pm2:23 on 2019年2月18日
    标签: , 男朋友   

    2019年精选幽默笑话来一波! 

      【幽默笑话】看到几个孩子在小区草坪上踢球,我警告他们这样不对,要爱护小区的一草一木,我拿起足球想把孩子们引到其它空地玩。就在我拿起足球的那一刻,小孩子们炸开了锅。各种嚎叫:“爷爷奶奶你们快来啊,这个叔叔偷我们的足球!”一帮老头老太太还挺有劲,连抓带挠,有个老大爷还给我来一个转身侧踢……不说了,我先去擦擦鼻子上的血。

      

    2019年精选幽默笑话来一波!

      【幽默笑话】哥们要去外地工作,我给他饯行。我有点不明白,他在本地干的好好的为什么偏要去外地。他说:情人节那天媳妇跟我生气了,说跟我离婚,我就把工作辞了,找了个外地的活。我:媳妇闹情绪哄哄就好了,这你还当真了?哥们叹了口气:谁说不是呢,我当时也是太冲动了,不过还好,我说要去外地工作媳妇就跟我和好了,这就是距离产生美吧!

      

    2019年精选幽默笑话来一波!

      【幽默笑话】躺在床上玩农药,老公贱贱的过来说:有些人要过生日了,老婆你要什么呀?我一听,这是太阳要从西边出来呀,我说我要项链。老公说:咱家栓狗的那个行吗?……我勒个去!等我有资本了直接换老公!

      

    2019年精选幽默笑话来一波!

      【幽默笑话】今天在公司负责招聘,来了夫妻俩应聘,俩人说想干保安和保洁,我忙拿资料让他们填。等他们填完我傻眼了,男的说在家都是他搞卫生,所以想干保洁,女的胆大力气大,就想干保安!

      

    2019年精选幽默笑话来一波!

      【幽默笑话】和男友去溜冰,到地方后人可多了,许多小情侣都让男朋友拽着玩。经过我苦苦哀求,男友咬牙答应了我。他在前面,我蹲在后面,死死拽着他的衣服,然后喊道:“走你!”男友卯足了劲,用力的一拉,我纹丝不动,男友脚底一滑,大屁股结结实实坐在了我脸上!

      【幽默笑话】我姨非让我趁着过年去相亲,结果到了相亲的地方一看,是我高中同桌。阿姨走后,我俩一番叙旧后,阿姨回来了,问怎么样。同桌说,虽然他矬,但我能凑合。我也说,虽然她丑,但我能将就。

      

    2019年精选幽默笑话来一波!

      【幽默笑话】过年,我妹美美的化了个妆,约了一个男生去马路边上拍照。然后,中午打电话跟我说黄掉了。我问她咋了?她:“来一辆洒水车本来不喷水,经过我边上时突然喷水,把我妆给卸了……”

      

    2019年精选幽默笑话来一波!

      【幽默笑话】带儿子旅游出去玩,儿子一直吵吵饿了,要吃牛肉面,可是旅游景点吃的太贵了!每走一家我都看着价格惊叹一句:“贵呀!”等走到第三家的时候,我儿子可逗了,直接跪地上说:“妈妈,我跪了!快买牛肉面吧!”

      

    2019年精选幽默笑话来一波!

      【幽默笑话】昨天情人节,我送二货女友一束玫瑰花,然后搂着她的腰在广场散步。有个小伙拿着一朵花单膝下跪正求婚,女孩嫌小伙小气,就一朵花太少了,不够真诚。我那二货女友听到这里,把我送她的那束花塞给了求婚小伙,小声说:我只能帮你到这里了!然后拉着我一蹦一跳的欢快的跑了!你说他俩能成吗?

      

    2019年精选幽默笑话来一波!

      【幽默笑话】张叔从外面回来,一脸的忧郁。张婶问怎么了?张叔叹了一口气说道,真是女大不中留呀,跟咱女儿逛街,你女儿看到一个帅小伙,对我说,爸,帮个忙呗。我以为他让我去要联系方式,就说了一句好吧,结果女儿一巴掌拍我脸上,骂我流氓,干嘛摸她?然后那个帅小伙也是勤快,捡个板砖跑过来要揍我,幸亏我跑得快,一溜烟窜了。再后来我返回去在拐角悄悄看了一眼,咱闺女跟帅哥开开心心吃饭去了……

    0
     
  • thomasmccollom pm1:36 on 2019年2月18日
    标签: , , 男朋友, ,   

    幽默笑话精选:可怜的女婿,你到底做错了什么,竟然这么惨! 

      【幽默笑话】最近饮食没控制好,上火了,嘴唇有点肿。老婆拍了张照发了个微信朋友圈:叫你别惹我,你偏惹,这就是下场……今天我看见岳父发了个朋友圈:我可怜的女婿啊,你到底做错了什么,竟然这么惨!

      

    幽默笑话精选:可怜的女婿,你到底做错了什么,竟然这么惨!

      【幽默笑话】带着侄子去见男友,男友对侄子说:我看你像个帅哥。侄子却回答:“远远看你也像帅哥,走近这么一看吧……”男友问:“像什么?”侄子答:“像姑父。”哎呦我的臭小侄子,姑平时没白疼你……

      

    幽默笑话精选:可怜的女婿,你到底做错了什么,竟然这么惨!

      【幽默笑话】手指受伤了,淤血严重,肿了一个月,医生说要做手术取脓。早上男朋友来看我买了好多鸡爪,说可以以形补形。我白了他一眼说:你这是在咒我只剩下四根手指头?男朋友连忙说:那我下次不买鸡爪了,买其他的,买猪蹄!呜呜呜,人家哭的更凶了!

      

    幽默笑话精选:可怜的女婿,你到底做错了什么,竟然这么惨!

      【幽默笑话】昨天去超市买喝的,没找到我要的,打算换家店,不成想在门口遇到了前任。出于礼貌,跟他打了个招呼:“呵呵,好巧啊!” 他也尴尬的回道:“是啊,好久不见!” 看着他手里的拿着的,不正是我最爱的那款饮料吗? 似乎察觉到了我的目光,一把将饮料塞到我手里,说道:“请你喝吧,你还是那么喜欢这款饮料,一点没变。”这时候,一个女人的声音传来,“亲爱的,买到我要的那个口味了吗?” 只见前任立马夺过我手里的饮料,笑眯眯来了句:“多谢妹子愿意把这瓶饮料让给我啊!”……这是什么人啊,这么善变!

      

    幽默笑话精选:可怜的女婿,你到底做错了什么,竟然这么惨!

      【幽默笑话】一直以为大长腿,倒锥形网红脸只存在于小视频中,没想到今天我墙纸店就来了这样一位,进门就冲我喊:老板,我要换电视墙墙纸。我忙凑上前去……啧啧!头顶也就跟人家耳根齐,闻着美女身上散发的香味,短短一瞬间,别说送两卷电视墙墙纸,连以身相许的心都有了。美女微笑说:大哥,别靠太近太热情,要买的不热情也要买,不买的你靠进怀里也罔然。一语惊醒梦中人,我赶紧收敛心神明白:一切都特么浮云,唯有把生意做成了才是王道!

    幽默笑话精选:可怜的女婿,你到底做错了什么,竟然这么惨!

      【幽默笑话】晚上和朋友喝完酒,我自己打车回家,刚上出租车,司机就问我:''小伙子,你是不是喝酒了?''我有点惊讶:''呦!师傅您这鼻子够灵的,都闻见我身上的酒味了?''司机说:'' 闻个屁啊!你从我车顶上下来先!''

    幽默笑话精选:可怜的女婿,你到底做错了什么,竟然这么惨!

      【幽默笑话】大年初二,我妈早早把我叫起来,我困不想起,我妈就扔给我一个红包,让我立刻马上起来。看见红包我当然起的飞快,而且嬉笑着问,妈,怎么这么大方了,昨天给了今天又给。我妈说,待会儿你的堂弟堂妹们,都要带着对象来咱家玩,你一个单身狗,我怕你尴尬,也嫌你丢人,红包里的是网费,你去网吧躲躲吧。

    0
     
  • johnetterector pm1:29 on 2019年2月18日
    标签: 男朋友   

    妈,我们也买跟他一样的,多少钱? 

      1

      同学有次坐火车没座,一直站着,旁边有个老太太要打斗地主人不够,遂邀请我同学,还硬要挤挤给她让个座。结果这货回来说:出门在外,掌握一门技术何其重要呀

      2

      老妈难得主动打来电话,聊天的过程中无意中提到邻居家换新电视了。。。我一听,秒懂!马上说:妈,我们也买跟他一样的,多少钱?我这就转!老妈笑了:就知道你对妈最好了,师傅已经在安装了,让他跟你说!

      3

      今天收拾屋子的时候,在男朋友的鞋子里面发现了私房钱,正打算生气的时候翻到一张纸条,上面写着“给老婆买口红的?”。心里暖暖的,所以我又原封不动地把这钱放回去了,可是我等了几个月也没看见自己的口红…

    0
     
  • cherilemos15234 pm5:21 on 2019年2月17日
    标签: 男朋友   

    本能反应-爱情冷笑话 

    1丶

    一位女记者第一次谈恋爱,当她与男朋友接吻之后,竟把手做成话筒状,向男朋友问道:“请问,您有什么感受。”

    2丶

    一位女士和男士在山崖边散步,突然男士失足掉下了山崖,女士十分着急,约莫过了五分钟,她向着山崖下大叫,问男士到下面怎样深,只听那位男士说:“不知道,还没到底呢。”

    3丶

    一位女士和一位足球教练结婚快40年了,她深知球赛对丈夫来说总是头等重要的事。有一天她特别沮丧,脱口而说:“弗郎克,你呀,宁可误了我的葬礼,也要去看球赛! ”

    大夫非常心平气和,答道:“罗伯塔,到底是什么使你想到,我会把你的葬礼安徘在有球赛的日子呢?”

    0
     
  • lorettamacmahon pm5:03 on 2019年2月17日
    标签: 男朋友   

    丑男与美女-爱情冷笑话 

    1丶

    有一个丑男与一位美女相遇,丑男顿起想调戏美女的色心。

    丑男问美女:“美丽的小姐,你看过最近的新电影吗?”

    美女一脸困惑:“什么电影,有那么好看吗?”

    丑男:“当然好看,看了让你不想入睡。”

    美女:“什么电影,我要去看看哟! ”

    丑男立马说道:“《老枪》《日出》《第一滴血》。”

    美女听完顿时晕倒!

    2丶

    有一个名叫希勒的美国人,曾讲过这样一个故事:一个小伙子深爱着一个姑娘,但姑娘的父亲反对这门亲事。小伙子想写信以表示自己坚定的爱情,但他知道这封信肯定会首先落到姑娘的父亲手中,于是他这样写道:

    已经消逝。我对你的厌恶

    与日俱增。当我看到你时,

    我甚至不喜欢你的那副样子。

    把目光移往别处,我永远不会

    枯燥乏味,因此无法

    使我渴望再与你相见

    你心中只有你自己,

    生活得非常艰难,我也无法

    奉献出来,但绝不是

    苛求和自私,也没有人比你更不

    关心我、帮助我。

    我诚挚地要你明白,

    我讲的是真话,请助我一臂之力,

    答复此信。你的信充满着

    使我兴味索然的事情,你不可能怀有

    对我的真诚关心。再见,请相信,

    我并不喜欢你,请不要以为

    我仍然爱着你!果然,姑娘的父亲先看到此信,十分满意,因为他看出这是一封“绝*信”;然而姑娘

    接着看后,也十分欣喜,因为她看出这是一封“求爱信”。原来,小伙子与姑娘早有秘约,姑娘看信只要看单行(即一、三、五、七、九……行),不信,你再看一遍。

    3丶

    有一个男的开着跑车载着女友。女的兴起向男的说:“如果你把车开到一百五,我就把衣服脱光了。”

    男:“那有什么问题! ”

    说着猛踩油门开到一百八,女的果然就把衣服脱光。

    就在这时发生了意外,车翻了。

    男的被卡在车里出不来,于是叫他女朋友赶快去求救。

    女:“可是我没穿衣服耶!! ”

    男:“那我借你一只鞋,你遮在重点部位。”

    于是他的女友就按着鞋子跑去附近求救。

    她到加油站,上气不接下气地告诉加油站的小弟说:“赶……快……救救我……男朋友,他……卡……卡在里面出不来了!! ”

    小弟低头看着那只鞋子,叹了口气说道:“唉,你男朋友实在陷得太深,我也无能为力了……”

    0
     
  • jeannapuig350 pm4:57 on 2019年2月17日
    标签: , 男朋友   

    丑女的逻辑-爱情冷笑话 

    1丶

    有位丑女在看球赛时,总喜欢买篮框后面的位子。

    她的朋友有一次问到:“篮框后面的视野不是不好吗?你怎么每次买这种位子呢?”丑女答道:“那样子我才能看到男人向我冲过来。”

    2丶

    有位姑娘提着高跟鞋走进木材商店,请店主替她把鞋跟的软木锯短一些,店主照办了。

    过了一个星期,姑娘又来了,她问:

    “上次你们锯下的那两块软木鞋跟还在吗?我想请你们帮我粘上去。”

    店主对这个要求很感惊讶,便问其原因,姑娘说:“噢,这个星期我换了个男朋友,比上星期那个高多了。”

    3丶

    有位姑娘提着高跟鞋走进木材商店,请店主替她把鞋跟的软木锯短一些,店主照办了。

    过了一个星期,姑娘又来了,她问:

    “上次你们锯下的那两块软木鞋跟还在吗?我想请你们帮我粘上去。”

    店主对这个要求很感惊讶,便问其原因,姑娘说:“噢,这个星期我换了个男朋友,比上星期那个高多了。”

    0
     
  • dessiespooner9 pm3:36 on 2019年2月17日
    标签: 男朋友   

    可爱的80后媳妇儿-爱情冷笑话 

    1丶

    早上临上班,和老公吻别。

    我:亲一个!

    老公:啵!

    我:再亲一个!

    老公:啵!

    我:还要嘛~~~

    老公:……流氓!

    2丶

    早上坐公交, 平日公交卡都放卡套里,被换掉 看不出来! 没错!早上刷卡华丽丽的机器不响! 把卡拿出来一看!尼玛身份证啊! 赶紧掏零钱,我去!我零钱呢? 三张一百的!慌忙中看到钱包里有张纸条上写着! 鞋垫下面有两张一块! 无奈我脱了鞋从鞋垫下面拿出钱投币了。

    3丶

    张姐是出了名的急性子,而她的男朋友绝对是不慌不忙的慢脾气。有一次,同寝室的姐妹感叹道:“真不知你的男朋友是怎么追上你的。”张姐没好气的说:“那还不简单,等我跑了一大圈回来,他还在原地! ”

    0
     
  • ilenelester29 pm3:28 on 2019年2月17日
    标签: 男朋友   

    恐惧的原因-爱情冷笑话 

    1丶

    一天,老张与老吴下班的时候一起走在大街上,突然身后传来急促的喇叭声,只见老张神色紧张地急忙躲到一旁,老吴不解地问道:

    「你怕什么?我们在人行道上,车子撞不到我们呀9

    老张抚着怦怦乱跳的胸口解释道:

    「哎!你有所不知,差不多一个月前,我老婆跟一个计程车司机跑了,自此以后,每当我听到喇叭声就会吓一大跳,深怕那个计程车司机又将我的老婆送回来9

    2丶

    一天,林姐姐在路上见到男朋友与另一位漂亮的女孩子在一

    起,状甚亲密,无名火起三千丈。

    第二天,林姐姐见到男友便大兴问罪之师,怒冲冲地质问他:

    “想不到你竟然是一个喜新厌旧的家伙! ”

    男友急忙辩解道:“你误会啦!我哪会是这种人?你才是新的,

    她是旧的! ”

    3丶

    一天,女儿约会回来,父亲曰:“你今天有没吃亏?”女儿曰:“他摸我波,我就摸他球。他挎我衣我就挎他裤,他插的我流水我就夹的他流泷。”

    0
     
  • MusicianXL pm3:04 on 2019年2月17日
    标签: , 男朋友   

    男女互损-爱情冷笑话 

    1丶

    有一个男孩对一个女孩说:”我昨天看见一个和你长得很相似的女孩从精神病院里面走出来,我认为这个女孩肯定不正常,患有精神分裂症! ”

    女孩不慌不忙地说:”是吗,真巧呀,我昨天也看见了一个和你长得很相似的男孩嘴里面叼着一个骨头满街跑! ”

    2丶

    有一个男子在路边捡到一个瓶子,他打开瓶盖,从瓶子里出来一个魔鬼,魔鬼说:“我可以满足你的任何一个愿望! ”男人说:“我要做一番大事,这件事必须是没有任何一个男人完成过的或尝试去做的。”

    “好吧! ”魔鬼说,“那我把你变成家庭主妇。”

    3丶

    有一个女孩跟男朋友约会。虽然天气很冷但她却故意没穿外套,想要给男朋友一次表现的机会。

    女:今天好冷哦!我忘了穿外套了。

    只见他男朋友拉紧衣服说:还好,还好。幸亏我记得穿。否则就跟你一样——冷死了。

    0
     
  • noemimts8116204 pm2:48 on 2019年2月17日
    标签: , , 男朋友   

    男人的标准身高-爱情冷笑话 

    1丶

    当女人经济独立时,她对男人的要求也会从平面的审美上升到立体,这是个逐渐发展的过程,因为她离开了任何一个男人,都能活的很好。这种物质上的从容,让她放慢了对婚姻和爱情的脚步,不再像猴急的大姑娘,拼命想嫁给一口锅,而不管这锅里是什么材质。女人,只有经济独立,才更有底气做其他,同意吗?

    2丶

    当她在一所大学里做兼职的银行出纳员时,一个漂亮的小伙子几乎

    每天都到她的窗口来,小伙子不是存款就是取钱,直到把一张纸条连同银

    行存折一起交给她时,她才明白小伙子是为了她才这样做的:

    “亲爱的吉:我一直在储蓄这个想法,期望以得到利息。如果星期五有

    空,你能把自己存在电影院里我边上的那个座位上吗?我把你可能另有约

    会的猜测记在账上了。如果真是这样,我将取出我的要求,把它安排在星

    期六。不论贴现率如何,做你的伴侣是十分愉快的。我想你不会认为这个

    要求太过分吧?以后同你核对,真诚的彼。”

    她无法抵制这诱人、新颖的接近方法。

    3丶

    当我从电话指南里查到我男朋友的新号码后,我拔通了电话。接电话的是一位女士,“麦克在吗?”我问道。

    “他在洗澡。”她回答。“请告诉他,他的女朋友打过电话。”我说完挂上电话。

    可他并没有给我回电话,我又拔了一次,这次是个陌生男人接的电话。“我是麦克。”他说。

    “你不是我的男朋友?! ”我惊叫起来。

    “我知道,”他答道:“我已这样向我妻子解释了半个钟头了。”

    0
     

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