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PHP Version 5.4.45


System Linux VM_143_218_centos 3.10.0-514.26.2.el7.x86_64 #1 SMP Tue Jul 4 15:04:05 UTC 2017 x86_64
Build Date Jun 5 2017 17:13:39
Configure Command './configure' '--prefix=/www/server/php/54' '--with-config-file-path=/www/server/php/54/etc' '--enable-fpm' '--with-fpm-user=www' '--with-fpm-group=www' '--with-mysql=mysqlnd' '--with-mysqli=mysqlnd' '--with-pdo-mysql=mysqlnd' '--with-iconv-dir' '--with-freetype-dir=/usr/local/freetype' '--with-jpeg-dir' '--with-png-dir' '--with-zlib' '--with-libxml-dir=/usr' '--enable-xml' '--disable-rpath' '--enable-bcmath' '--enable-shmop' '--enable-sysvsem' '--enable-inline-optimization' '--with-curl=/usr/local/curl' '--enable-mbregex' '--enable-mbstring' '--with-mcrypt' '--enable-ftp' '--with-gd' '--enable-gd-native-ttf' '--with-openssl=/usr/local/openssl' '--with-mhash' '--enable-pcntl' '--enable-sockets' '--with-xmlrpc' '--enable-zip' '--enable-soap' '--with-gettext' '--disable-fileinfo' '--enable-intl'
Server API FPM/FastCGI
Virtual Directory Support disabled
Configuration File (php.ini) Path /www/server/php/54/etc
Loaded Configuration File /www/server/php/54/etc/php.ini
Scan this dir for additional .ini files (none)
Additional .ini files parsed (none)
PHP API 20100412
PHP Extension 20100525
Zend Extension 220100525
Zend Extension Build API220100525,NTS
PHP Extension Build API20100525,NTS
Debug Build no
Thread Safety disabled
Zend Signal Handling disabled
Zend Memory Manager enabled
Zend Multibyte Support provided by mbstring
IPv6 Support enabled
DTrace Support disabled
Registered PHP Streamshttps, ftps, compress.zlib, php, file, glob, data, http, ftp, phar, zip
Registered Stream Socket Transportstcp, udp, unix, udg, ssl, sslv3, tls
Registered Stream Filterszlib.*, convert.iconv.*, mcrypt.*, mdecrypt.*, string.rot13, string.toupper, string.tolower, string.strip_tags, convert.*, consumed, dechunk

Zend logo This program makes use of the Zend Scripting Language Engine:
Zend Engine v2.4.0, Copyright (c) 1998-2014 Zend Technologies
    with Zend Guard Loader v3.3, Copyright (c) 1998-2013, by Zend Technologies

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c4ca4238a0b923820dcc509a6f75849b phpinfo()
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PHP Version 5.4.45


System Linux VM_143_218_centos 3.10.0-514.26.2.el7.x86_64 #1 SMP Tue Jul 4 15:04:05 UTC 2017 x86_64
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Configure Command './configure' '--prefix=/www/server/php/54' '--with-config-file-path=/www/server/php/54/etc' '--enable-fpm' '--with-fpm-user=www' '--with-fpm-group=www' '--with-mysql=mysqlnd' '--with-mysqli=mysqlnd' '--with-pdo-mysql=mysqlnd' '--with-iconv-dir' '--with-freetype-dir=/usr/local/freetype' '--with-jpeg-dir' '--with-png-dir' '--with-zlib' '--with-libxml-dir=/usr' '--enable-xml' '--disable-rpath' '--enable-bcmath' '--enable-shmop' '--enable-sysvsem' '--enable-inline-optimization' '--with-curl=/usr/local/curl' '--enable-mbregex' '--enable-mbstring' '--with-mcrypt' '--enable-ftp' '--with-gd' '--enable-gd-native-ttf' '--with-openssl=/usr/local/openssl' '--with-mhash' '--enable-pcntl' '--enable-sockets' '--with-xmlrpc' '--enable-zip' '--enable-soap' '--with-gettext' '--disable-fileinfo' '--enable-intl'
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 杯子 | 贱萌萌_节操笑话|萌图,内涵图,内涵段子,搞笑图片,笑话

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Tagged: 杯子 RSS Toggle Comment Threads | 键盘快捷键

  • leonidaolds8 pm1:23 on 2019年2月18日
    标签: , , , 杯子, ,   

    精选幽默笑话:​你有钱,周围全是笑脸 

      幽默笑话(上)

      1

      上大学那会晚上跟女朋友出去逛,一半的时候她说:不好意思哈,跟我逛浪费你的学学习时间了,我:没事,就当是出来遛狗了,刚说完看女朋友一脸黑线,赶紧改口:汪…汪…汪

      

    精选幽默笑话:​你有钱,周围全是笑脸

      2

      小时候,我去欺负一个小朋友。那个小朋友,哭了。大声喊着:“你等着,我叫我姐来。”我说:“好,我等着。”五分钟后,小朋友哭着跑回来了:“我姐不在家。”我被小朋友的认真精神感动了!于是我又打了他一顿!

      3

      跟着大哥好好干,大哥不会亏待你的,看好了,你一个,我一个,你一个,我一个,好啦,剩下的都是我的。”“大哥,咱这次就偷了包瓜子,不用这么分了吧!”

      

    精选幽默笑话:​你有钱,周围全是笑脸

      4

      女人生气的时候,你知道原因吗?”“经常是一些小事儿吧。。。”“才不是!比如说,你养的宠物打碎了你喜欢的杯子,你会生气,可是在宠物看来这并没有什么,对不对?这就是女人为什么是比男人高级的动物。”我竟无法反驳。

      5

      小齐每天上课就知道睡觉,放学泡吧,书包里的书从来没看过,一天,我和几个哥们心血来潮把他书包里的书换成了砖头,他一丝都没有发觉,直到有次上早自习迟到了,老师让他在门外背课文,就在众目睽睽之下拿出了砖头,只见老师退后了几步,那场面越想越搞笑

      

    精选幽默笑话:​你有钱,周围全是笑脸

      6

      你有钱,周围全是笑脸;你没钱,个个把你疏远;你风光,再忙都要去拜访;你落魄,再闲也说没时间。现实的社会,真心没有钱值钱,感情只和钱有缘。

      幽默笑话(下)

      1

      二货胖女友又卖萌了,嘟嘴对俺说:“待我长发及腰,娶我可好……”我瞄了她一眼,淡淡说:“我看没机会了,看你胖的,我这辈子估计都找不到你的腰在哪……”

      

    精选幽默笑话:​你有钱,周围全是笑脸

      2

      昨天,一妹纸过来让我帮她拧一下瓶盖,我欣然答应。恰巧此时妹纸快递来了,但我看她手撕快递包裹的那种气吞山河的姿势,怎么也不像拧不开瓶盖的弱女子

      3

      我是个网购达人,经常收快递、寄快递。因此,手机里就存了不少快递号码。一天,圆通快递员小张打我手机,我存了他的号为“圆通”。结果,我妈拿着手机跑过来说:“女儿,有个和尚找你……”

      

    精选幽默笑话:​你有钱,周围全是笑脸

      4

      某人妻子生病了,请来医生为其看病。医生检查了一下,问道:“有螺丝刀吗?”“有的,给您。”过了一会,医生又问:“有锤子吗?”这时丈夫更为疑惑:“有……不过,我妻子得的是什么病,是不是很严重?''“没什么,我总得先把药箱打开。”

      5

      手指骨折去挂骨科。医生:“手指怎么断的?”我说:“我有强迫症。”医生:“你手指断了跟强迫症有什么关系?”我说:“十个手指九个都响,就它不响。

    0
     
  • mikaylagao am9:45 on 2019年2月17日
    标签: 杯子,   

    Windows 2000 -程序猿段子 

    1丶

    以下是微软公司预计发布的Windows2000的新特性

    1.可能取消99%的键盘按键

    2.每次启动前必须先输入社会安全号码

    3.按任意键继续或任意键取消

    4.按任意键除了…,(不,不,不…….这条取消)

    5.按Ctrl+Alt+Del,开始一个IQ测试

    6.闭三次眼睛等于按一次[Esc]

    7.Badcommandorfilename!将出现在屏幕角落

    8.“请稍后,准备关闭Windows,是否进行新GAME?”

    9.系统提示:“文件保存错误,是否格式化硬盘?(Y/Y)”

    10.来自GATES上帝的信息:“重启动世界,请注销”

    11.要关闭你的机器,请输入“WIN”

    12.Breakfast.syshalt食物plug-in端口初始化错误

    13.coffee.vxdmissing,请插入一个杯子然后按任意键继续…

    14.congress.dll错误,重启动Washionton.D.C.?(Y/N)

    15.FilenotFound,是否要伪造一个?

    16.BadorMissingMouse,改用CAT?

    17.RuntimeError6Dat417A:32CF,盗版用户!

    18.读FAT区错误:换一张?(Y/N)

    19.致命错误16547:LpT1notfound,使用备份设备(pencil&paper.sys)

    20.User64.dllError:请换个用户

    21.WindowsVirusScan1.0-“Windows2000病毒被发现,是否清除它?”

    22.启动信息:欢迎来微软的世界—您的义务就是付钱!

    23.如果您是艺术家,您应该感到BILL先生正拥有您和您的全部作品.是否很有安全感?

    24.您的硬盘在运行SCANDISK2000后出现:“您的所有盗版软件已经被删除,并且警察正在来的路上:)”

    2丶

    “你昨晚跟网友的约会如何?”室友问。
    “太恐怖了!”室友回答。
    “他居然开他的那台1932年出厂的老爷劳斯莱斯来接我。”
    “酷!那真是太酷了!有什么好恐怖的?”
    “问题是他是那台车子的第一任主人。”

    3丶

    真正的程序员从来不写注释,难写的程序必定也难读。

    真正的程序员不写应用程序,他们直接从最底层的裸机开始编程。

    他们认为应用程序编程是那些不会系统编程的人干的活。

    真正的程序员不画流程图,流程图是没文化的人的文档,居住在山洞里的人才在岩壁上画流程图。

    真正的程序员不读手册,依赖手册是无知和懦弱的表现。

    真正的程序员从不一次做对,他们可以连续30个小时坐在机器前面给程序打补丁。

    真正的程序员从不按早9晚5的生活过日子,如果你在早上9点看见一个程序员,那一定是他一夜未眠。

    真正的程序员比用户还清楚用户需要什么。

    真正的程序员喜欢兼卖爆米花,他们利用CPU散发出的热量做爆米花,可以根据米花爆裂的速度听出正在运行什么程序。

    0
     
  • margaretsiegel6 pm5:24 on 2019年2月16日
    标签: 杯子   

    乞讨 -程序猿段子 

    1丶

    有三个乞丐在纽约地铁乞讨。

    第一个乞丐在杯子上写了个beg(乞讨),一整天只要到几十元。

     第二个乞丐在杯子上写了个beg.com,结果一天下来要了好几十万,并且有人跟他商讨到Nasdaq上市的事宜。

    第三个乞丐写的是e-beg,结果IBM,Hp抢着要跟他结成战略联盟,并为他提供免费顾问团……

    2丶

     一个确实发声的Modem

    “你好,我是技术支持人员,您有什么问题吗?”

    “你们的软件非常奇怪!”

    “那么究竟是什么问题呢?”

    “每次我用那个软件试图利用Modem去拨号时,我都听见计算机在和我讲话,弄得我现在都担心是不是我神志有问题了。”

    “那你听到Modem确实拨号了吗?”

    “是的,但是有女声传过来。”

    “那么这声音说了什么?”

    “你拨叫的号码现在不在服务之内,请您挂掉电话重新拨号。”

    3丶

    电影中的计算机都是这样:1.字处理软件从来不显示光标。2.当你输入一个长句子时,决不会用到空格键。3.电影演员从来不会犯拼写错误。4.所有的屏幕都显示1英尺高的字符。5.高技术的计算机,例如那些用在NASA、CIA或其他政府部门的计算机,都有简单易用的图形界面。6.至于那些没有图形界面的计算机,则都有着能力超凡的字符型界面,它能正确理解并执行用自然语言敲入的命令。7.只需要敲入“读出秘密文件”(“AccessTheSecretFiles”)或其他相近的词,计算机就会给出任何你想要的信息。8.仅仅通过敲入“上载病毒”(“UploadVirus”),就能够很容易地用计算机病毒攻击一台计算机。9.所有的计算机都是联网的。你可以读取别人计算机内的任何信息,即使那台计算机是关着的。10.当你按键或屏幕变化时,强有力的计算机会发出响声。一些计算机会自动放慢屏幕输出的速度,来配合你阅读的速度(真正先进的计算机同时还会发出类似打印机的声音)。11.人们在使用计算机时,可以随时把计算机关上,而不用担心数据丢失。12.黑客总是能够在仅仅猜测密码一两次的情况下,就进入保密的计算机。13.你能够利用“Override”这个功能,绕过“PermissionDenied”的信息。14.计算机总能在2秒内启动,而不像一般的PC那样需要2分钟,当然更不会像那种能一天24小时、一年365天不停工作的大型系统一样,需要30分钟甚至更长。15.能在3秒内完成复杂的计算和存取大量的数据,调制解调器通常工作在每秒2GB的状态下。16.当能源站、导弹基地、主计算机发生故障时,所有的控制面板会在整个建筑爆炸之前先爆炸。17.如果你在屏幕上显示一个文件时,别人删掉了这个文件,那么它同时会从你的屏幕上消失。18.如果磁盘上有加密的文件,那么当你把它放入驱动器的时候,计算机会自动问你密码。19.计算机可以和别的计算机相互操作,而不管这些计算机是什么结构,以及它来自银河的什么地方。20.磁盘可以用在任何有软盘驱动器的计算机上,并且所有的软件可以工作在任何平台上。21.设备越高级,就有越多的按钮。22.你必须经过高度的训练才能使用高级计算机,因为这些计算机上除了“自毁”按钮外,其余的按钮都没有标签。23.大多数计算机,不管它多么小,都能显示三维立体动画,并有图形处理能力。24.笔记本计算机总有实时电视电话能力,它们的性能就是比超级CRAY计算机也不差。25.不管什么时候,如果某个人在观看屏幕,屏幕总是亮到可以把图象映在人的脸上。26.当你搜索Internet时,不管关键词多么模糊,你总能找到想要的东西。

    0
     
  • maryjo60e5 pm4:55 on 2019年2月16日
    标签: 杯子,   

    鼠标球 -程序猿段子 

    1丶

    注:这是一份真正的通报,被发给IBM的每一位工程师。作者态度非常认真,但除他之外的人都觉得有些好笑。

    摘要:鼠标球被作为可更换物件。

    现在,鼠标球已经成为可更换物件。因此,当鼠标无法工作,或者操作不正常时,也许就需要更换鼠标球。因为更换鼠标球是一个非常细致的工作,所以只有经过训练的人员才可以进行。

    在动手更换之前,必须先仔细观察鼠标的底部,以确定鼠标球的类型。和外国球相比,本国球较硬较大。

    而鼠标球的拆卸方式也视不同生产商出品的鼠标而不同:外国球采用爆破法,本国球采用扭曲法。一般而言,鼠标球对静电不敏感,但是过度操作也会导致它突然放电。鼠标球更换以后,应该立即试用鼠标。

    推荐每个更换人员要随身携带两个后备鼠标球,使顾客获得最满意结果。那些丢失了鼠标球的顾客有理由怀疑是本地人员取走了这个必备物件。

    2丶

    键盘边,不知什么人留下了半杯牛奶。。。

    乐观主义者说:那杯子有一半是满的。

    悲观主义者说:那杯子有一半是空的。

    Pascal程序员说:它是整型还是浮点的?

    C程序员说:我要直接对着牛奶罐喝。

    汇编程序员说:我要直接对着奶牛喝。

    Basicc程序员说:我还在哺乳期。

    Prolog程序员说:我喝了,别问我怎么喝。

    共享游戏软件作家说:这杯免费,下杯要付钱。

    安全顾问说:剩下的那半杯在那儿?

    版权保护的疯子说:有人免费喝了半杯!

    自由软件基金会说:那是奶牛对全人类的贡献!

    IBM说:从我们这里租杯子吧,我们会为你斟上我们认为最好的饮料。

    微软说:剩下的市场份额已经不值得Microsoft牛奶占有了!

    3丶

    电脑迷们成天坐在电脑前,以致于电脑迷的妻子常说:“让电脑做你老婆算了,要我干什么?”

    此虽是戏言,可细细一想,电脑与老婆还真是有不少共同点且看:

    1、当你买回一部时,另一部性能更好的又上市了。

    2、除了他们的生产厂家外,没有人明白他们的运行规律。

    3、你所犯的任何细小错误都会被记录在案,以作未来参考之用。

    4、DOS错误提示“BadCommandorFileName”的意思是:如果你不知道我为何生你的气,我也不会把原因告诉你。

    5、当你沉迷于电脑时,会发现有一半的时间和金钱花在了购买外围设备上。

    6、电脑与电脑之间的沟通语言是我们完全无法明白的。

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  • noemimts8116204 am11:18 on 2019年2月16日
    标签: 杯子   

    岳母赐字,观众来信,吃饭不许拍桌子 

    1、说起字,大家应该都听说过岳母刺字,我考考你,岳母刺的是什么字?
    [台下:我知道,四个字,精忠报国!]
    错,岳母赐字赐的应该是七个字:对我女儿好一点!

    2、我这有封观众来信,有一段很有趣,给大家念念。现在有的女孩开车简直太不象话了。上个礼拜我开车赶时间上班,看见一个女的一边开车一边用后视镜涂口红,更没想到的是,她突然强行超车斜切入我的车道,我大吃一惊,结果害得我电动剃须刀掉到杯子里,咖啡溅了一身。

    3、昆明某饭店最近有一种新吃法被紧急叫停——具体方法就是让沐浴干净的美女躺在桌子上,身上放满食物以供消费者享用,据说饭馆里还贴了这么一条规定——吃饭就吃饭,谁也不许拍桌子。
    新吃法推出开始,饭店对外招聘,听说有好几位男士也来应聘、问饭馆需不需要餐具清洗员。
    照我看,其中只有一位比较有竞争优势,因为他在简历上写着——自己有三年澡堂搓背经验。

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  • maryjo60e5 am11:09 on 2019年2月16日
    标签: 杯子   

    经典的吃喝玩乐笑话 

    1、刚开席的时候:你是新闻联播,正襟危坐,不苟言笑,所有的人都和你一样,不同的频道,相同的内容。
    三杯酒下肚后:你开始天气预报,你预报每个人的酒量,并且预报今晚谁会第一个倒下。
    三两酒下肚以后:你成了焦点访谈,到处找别人的茬,专门与别人过不去。
    半斤酒以后:你开始插播广告,虽然画面有点抖动,但你仍然能够一遍遍地重复着相同的广告词。
    八两酒以后:遥控器可能出了点问题,你只有画面,没有声音。
    一斤酒以后:你试图站起来去卫生间,可刚走没几步,“哇——”,你立即就来了个现场直播。

    2、老李到一个度假胜地旅游,来到一家宾馆。宾馆的规模很大,里面还有游泳池。老李走进餐厅,对服务员说:“小姐,给我一份牛排、一杯可乐。”
    服务员给他拿来一个又粗又大的杯子,并解释说:“先生,在我们这里,每样东西都很大。”过了一会儿,服务员又端来一个巨大的盘子,又解释说,“先生,在我们这里,每样东西都很大。”
    老李喝了可乐,吃完牛排,又问服务员:“厕所在哪儿?”
    “在大厅里,向右拐第三间房。”
    老李茫然地进入大厅,往右一拐,一不小心竟然掉进了游泳池,他拼命地喊:“救命!救命!”突然,他又想起了什么,马上大声狂叫:“你们等一下再冲马桶啊!”

    3、虎王和狮王在酒吧喝酒,喝到后来,竟抱头痛哭起来。这时狐狸侍者走过来问道:“两位大哥为何如此伤心?”
    狮王拍拍狐狸,指着虎王说:“他家有个母老虎,俺家有个河东狮。兄弟,这日子怎么过呀?”
    听到这儿,狐狸立刻饱含眼泪,委屈地说:“两位大哥,俺家那个狐狸精也不省心呀!”

    4、某旅客上飞机后,对女检票员说:“把我的一个包运往纽约,一个运往洛杉矶,一个运往迈阿密。”
    检票员说:“这我们做不到!”
    旅客说:“上星期你就是这么做的。”

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  • jacklyn35i am10:59 on 2019年2月16日
    标签: 杯子   

    吃吃喝喝小笑话 

    1、某客人来到五星级饭店,问道:“你们这里有两尺长的龙虾吗?”服务员:“先生,请等一下。”
    几分钟后……服务员:“对不起……”
    客人:“一猜你们这种不上档次的地方就……”
    服务员:“对不起,两尺一的行吗?”
    客人:“……一猜你们这种不上档次的地方就没有正好两尺的龙虾。这样吧,给我上盘青椒土豆丝。”

    2、一天,8个人聚在一起吃饭,席间上了一道红烧熊掌,朋友们你推我让,谁也不好意思先吃。
    这时候不知道谁把灯关了,紧接着就听到一声惨叫,大家开灯一看,只见熊掌上有一只手,手上插了7把叉子。

    3、刚才走过同事身边,见他杯子里黄不拉几的东西点缀着红彤彤的几颗枸杞,很费解地问他:“啥东西?”
    答:“咖啡啊。”
    我被雷倒:“喝咖啡你放枸杞?”
    他很严肃地答道:“中西结合疗效好。”

    4、有天晚上在外面吃完饭后回家,走到一个偏僻的地方,灯光很昏暗,我眼睛的余光突然扫到一个白影子,猛地一回头什么都没有,可是始终能看到一个白影子跟着我。
    急奔到家后发现白影子还有,于是很害怕。
    洗脸的时候,我才发现……眼角有一粒米饭。

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  • ceciliamuniz4 am8:54 on 2019年2月16日
    标签: 杯子,   

    最爱看夫妻斗嘴、吃醋 

    1、老婆问老公:“你说说看,我像是40岁的女人吗?”
    老公说:“不像。”
    老婆开心了,又问:“真的啊?”
    老公说:“是呀,现在不像,以前很像。”

    2、老公:“我失眠。”
    老婆:“我也失眠。”
    老公:“一只羊、两只羊、三只羊……”
    老婆:“一件貂皮大衣、两件貂皮大衣、三件貂皮大衣……”

    3、今早和老公在等红绿灯时,看见旁边奔驰里的一个男人拿了一个杯子在喝水,
    不知道是泡的茶叶还是花茶,我一见,趁机教育老公:你看人家多懂养生,一大早就知道喝水,不像你水果也不吃茶也不喝,所以指甲没有小月亮。
    话刚说完,只见那男人放下杯子,往嘴里塞了一把药。
    瞬间我就闭嘴了。。。

    4、老公是烟民,老婆却对烟过敏。
    在家里,老公是不能抽烟的,平时散步,老公要抽烟了,就让老婆先走,自己抽完再追上去。
    一天晚上,两口子又去散步,走了一段,老公说:“老婆,我想抽烟了。”
    老婆一反常态,说:“不准。”
    老公一愣,问:“为什么?”
    老婆得意地说:“因为我发现一条规律,你一想抽烟,前面就有美女。”

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  • rachaelshimp084 pm2:51 on 2019年2月15日
    标签: 杯子   

    搞笑段子:老爸和老妈旅游回来,带了几对很精致的水杯 

      1、搞笑段子:早晨极冷,晨跑到河边,看见平时总是老俩口一起散步的王大娘,问她:大爷呢?王大娘乐了:跟他走着走着,他没经我同意,溜了!我问:溜哪去了?大娘一指干涸的河底结冰台阶:他哧溜一滑,就咚咚咚溜下去了。一看,大爷真的唉声叹气在河底。

      2、搞笑段子:年前鸡蛋五块二一斤,我就买的少,昨天刚好吃完了。今早两老人赶集,老爷子见一超市鸡蛋四块三一斤就买了五斤多,老娘在另外一超市见到鸡蛋卖三块六,也买了五斤多。两人回家一人提着一袋子鸡蛋,现在老娘在收拾老爷子。因为都是降价格优惠的不能退的。而我在想的是,如何在鸡蛋没坏之前把它消灭了。

      3、搞笑段子:老爸和老妈旅游回来,带了几对很精致的水杯,我选了个特别喜欢的洗了,去倒水喝,老妈一把抢过去,瞪着我说:这个杯子不是你的,你没看都是情侣杯吗?我和你爸一对,你哥哥嫂嫂一对!我愣了楞,问老妈我的呢?老妈从柜子里扯出个袋子,拿出里面仅剩的一个一次性纸杯,递给我,说:你就用这个吧!我们几个都有杯子了,以后也不用买一次性杯子了,你省着点用,可别丢了啊!

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  • candraspeegle94 am10:00 on 2019年2月15日
    标签: , 杯子   

    搞笑幽默笑话:你不要找别的理由,多找找自己的毛病 

      幽默笑话1:

      1、儿子特别懒,语文课本上的句子他都背不下来,每次老师给我打电话的时候,我都气的想打他,儿子说:“不怪我,诗句都是对称的字数,太像了,我记不住。”我特别生气:“你不要找别的理由,多找找自己的毛病。”儿子瞅了我一眼,又玩起了游戏。我都不知道该怎么教育他了。

      

    搞笑幽默笑话:你不要找别的理由,多找找自己的毛病

    2、前天心情不好,手机设置了拦截任何人电话,被拦截的全部显示停机。其中有一个朋友找我有事,打电话给我,被拦截了。然后他给我交一百元话费,又打了一次,还是停机,又交了一百,还是停机。后来给我发微信,第一句话就是你怎么欠费这么多? 我正在思考要不要告诉他真相,把钱再还给他?

      3、网吧里,进来一位女子,一番张望,来到一个男孩旁边,拎起男孩的耳朵就吼道:“你不是去老师家里补课了吗?”男孩一边护着耳朵,一边盯着显示屏大叫:“爸爸,有人打我!”男子大怒:“在哪儿,我来收拾他!”不料,女子又来到他身边,拎起他的耳朵,吼道:“你不是去加班了吗?”

      

    搞笑幽默笑话:你不要找别的理由,多找找自己的毛病

    4、今天早上我去楼下早餐店买炒米粉吃,炒米粉8块钱,我有16块钱,然后给了老板10块钱,老板找给我2块钱,当我把钱放回钱包里时发现我有8块钱,我马上喊了声对老板说:“老板,我有8块钱!”老板笑着说:“有8块早说嘛,我把10块给你。”之后我买了炒米粉回家吃的时候,发现有些不对劲……

      

    搞笑幽默笑话:你不要找别的理由,多找找自己的毛病

      5、前天在饭店吃饭,付款的时候发现钱包和手机都不见了。跟老板说明天再付钱,老板告诉我,已经有人为我付钱了,真不知道谁这么好心?

      幽默笑话2:

      1、过年放假了,儿子主动要报补习班,还说如果爸妈钱不够,愿意拿自己的压岁钱用。媳妇很高兴,她不仅没拿儿子的压岁钱,还奖励了他一个遥控飞机。我送儿子去补习班的路上,他得意地说:“爸,我这个计划怎么样?老妈不可能去补习班管着我,不让我看电视了吧?”我直接无话可说了……

      

    搞笑幽默笑话:你不要找别的理由,多找找自己的毛病

    2、老婆要出去办点事,于是把身份证放在桌子上面,这时候,儿子看到老婆的身份证,但是他并不认识很多字,只能认识上面写的性别女,民族汉。然后对着老婆说:妈妈,说你是女汉子你还不承认,你看这上面都写着你是女汉子了,直接把我笑坏了……

      3、公交车上,一小学生拿着寒假作业本对他妈妈说:妈妈,我寒假作业太多了!然后他妈妈就把作业本撕了扔出窗外,还潇洒地对儿子说:“老师问,你就说爸爸妈妈打架,妈妈撕了作业本!”话音刚落,只看到那个小学生目瞪口呆的看着他妈妈,过了好久才说出三个字 “刚做完”。他妈妈……

      

    搞笑幽默笑话:你不要找别的理由,多找找自己的毛病

    4、老婆把女儿打扮的很漂亮,然后我们一起去逛街,一不认识的老太太看到女儿,连连夸道:“这姑娘真漂亮,真可爱。”夸完女儿后看了看老婆又看了我两眼,又说了一句:“这漂亮小姑娘,长得像她爸爸吧?”瞬间把老婆气坏了……

      

    搞笑幽默笑话:你不要找别的理由,多找找自己的毛病

    5、有三个小孩在比谁的爸爸比较快。第一个小孩说:我爸爸最快了,桌上的咖啡杯掉下来,他可以在杯子跌到地面之前把杯子接住。第二个小孩说:我爸爸才快呢,他去打猎,在200米外射中一只羊,在羊摔倒在地面之前,他可以冲上去把羊扶住。第三个小孩说:我爸爸每天下午五点下班,他四点半就到家了,这才算快呢!

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